His Power Is Made Perfect In My Weakness

I woke up this morning after long night of tossing and turning. I was up sick almost all night, back and forth to the bathroom until I finally fell into a deep sleep at 6am, one hour later and I’m woken up by the precious sound of Annabel’s voice. She never cries when she wakes up anymore, she just sings…she always sings.

Tired and aching I couldn’t help but smile. It was Mother’s Day and I was finally a Mama. I laid in my bed for a while, just listening to her and thinking about everything that has led up to this day.

One spring day in 1985 a high school homecoming queen and her 21 year old boyfriend found themselves in a position that would change their lives forever. Decisions were to be made that would determine their entire future. Thankfully, their choices, although difficult and maybe not encouraged by many, led to a wedding and a few months later a baby girl.

On Friday my parents celebrated their 27th wedding anniversary. Against every odd they are still married. Better yet, they still genuinely like each other. When they reunite with old friends they are almost always met with exclamations of shock. “I can’t believe you two made it.” Yes, they made it. 27 Mother’s Days later and that “choice” is now making choices of her own. Choices that are often times difficult, rarely popular and not always encouraged by many.

For several weeks I have wrestled with sharing a very deep and painful choice, a choice that I will probably always second guess but that I know, deep in my heart was the best one.

On February 15th there was a knock on my gate. A tiny body passed into my arms and the words that my heart longed to hear. “Take him back again”… Gup’s parents stood outside my door and handed my baby back to me. He was dirty, and looked heartbroken. I almost couldn’t look into his eyes for the pain I saw there. As I brought him inside my heart began to crack, and then it shattered. Across his back were burn marks  made by numerous cigarettes and a patch of hair was missing from his head. It became very obvious, very quickly, that his time with his parents had been anything but what I had imagined.

While swallowing my tears and rage I went outside to speak with them.So many stories were told that I still have no idea what to believe. The consistent factor was this… His father insists that Gup is not his child. He was often left alone with him while his mother was taking the other children to and from school. He was angry with his mother and unfortunately he was also angry with Gup. He took his anger out in a very physical way, Gup’s little body bore the evidence of that. I had no idea what to do but I knew that there was no way I would ever send him with them again. Gup came home to me 4 days before his 3rd birthday.

Unfortunately, this story has anything but a happy ending. Gup was hurt and broken and in his little mind I had betrayed him. I handed him to those people, I can to visit him and I never saw what they were doing and rescued him from it. I let it happen and there was no way he was going to forgive me for that. Over the next several weeks, as visitors came to our home Gup began to open up again, to become the happy, playful little boy that he had once been. He began to laugh and run and love, everyone but me.

Gup would hear a knock on the gate and immediately he would snap out of his silence and yell with excitement. Everyone was welcomed with open arms. He greeted strangers like long lost best friends. He preferred everyone to me. He played silly little games, until I walked into the room. He sang song and talked in his little high pitched voice, until he noticed that I was listening. When I was around Gup was silent and sad. He didn’t like when I hugged him, he cringed when I reached out to touch him.

I kept waiting for it to get better, praying that he would wake up one morning and we could go back to normal. Of course I knew it wouldn’t be instant but I held out hope that this little boy that I had loved for so long, that I had poured my heart into, would come back to me one day.

One month later and life was still terribly hard. I had moved into a tiny room with a baby and a little boy who couldn’t stand me. I was miserable, Annabel was miserable and Gup was miserable. I knew that it was time for me to make some tough decisions. Visiting with some people that I trust dearly, and who knew exactly what we were going through those choices were finally inevitable. I could no longer give my baby what He needed and so I needed to do the next best thing. I needed to give someone else the chance to do it instead.

As a young, single mom, living in a 3rd world country with no family close by and very little resources, there is no way for me to give Gup the help he needs. He needs a Mom and a Dad who will not leave him EVER. He needs parents committed to counseling sessions and family time that will allow him to learn to trust again. He needs patience and dedication to help him heal. One of the most gut wrenching moments of my life came in realizing that I was not the best choice for my child.

In April Gup was moved from my home and into the orphanage while we began to search and wait for the perfect family for him. In almost no time they stepped forward, he isn’t hard to love. They heard his story and they promised that they would do everything they could to give him all the things he needs. There is still an outrageous amount of time to wait and lots of hoops to jump through, there are still many what if’s but there is one constant, God has an incredible plan for this little boy. He chose me to be a part of it and even though I couldn’t imagine it going anything like it is, He is still bringing that plan into being.

Never in my life have I felt more powerless as I did when I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t fix this. Never have I felt so completely inadequate as I did when I couldn’t take away the hurt in his eyes and heart. Never have I been weaker than when I realized that I couldn’t be what he needed. Never has my God been bigger than in the moments that He held me when I poured my heart out to Him. Never has He been a stronger presence in my life than when I couldn’t see past the cloud of failure into any hope for the future. His power was made perfect in my weakness.

It still hurts, it still breaks my heart every time I see him laugh at play with someone who he just met, and he still refuses to meet my eye. It still hurts when I think about someone else being his Mom. It still kills me to know that someday he will love them as much as he once loved me. It hurts…

But, in the last 6 months God has taught me lessons of helplessness and trust that I never could have learned without these broken dreams. I watch my baby daughter, how she trusts me completely to meet every one of her needs. She falls asleep quickly, no tossing and turning, worrying about how things will work out. She just knows that I will be there to give her what she needs. I can imagine how God longs for me to have that kind of trust and dependence on him. How He looks down on me in the moments that I let go of my anxiety and His heart swells with love for the peace that His daughter rests in. I imagine in those days when I refuse to let go of control, instead clutching tightly to my plans with both hands and throwing a temper tantrum like a little child, how He must just shake His head. Because He knows that I am being silly and stubborn.

Today I understand more than ever what it means to have faith like a child and what it means to trust God completely. I’m still not very good at it but I know what it looks like. I know how to do it I just have to chose it. Every second of every day, when my mind fights against my soul and my body longs to be in control, I am faced with the choice. Do I let Him be God of my life or do I fight, thinking I can do it better while knowing that I can’t.

27 years ago my mom made a choice that changed her life. Today I am making choices that continue to change mine. Thankfully, difficult as it was at the time, she chose to trust that God knew what He was doing. Today I chose to trust that He still does.

To Love Like Her

One day last November a baby girl named Wilna was born in a tiny house outside of a the city of Gressier. By this country's standards she was flawed, a deformed ear and other physical abnormalities made her a burden.

6 weeks ago that tiny little girl came through our gates and was born into our hearts. People stopped to stare, not at her imperfections but at her breathtaking beauty. Eyes that sparkled with life, despite the sickness and malnutrition that plagued her tiny body. Lips, reluctant, but ready to curl into a precious smile. 

6 weeks ago baby Wilna stepped out of a life of neglect and pain, she stepped into the gates of a place called OLTCH and she leapt into the soul of a brand new Mama. Wilna of the past became Ella Grace, a new name for a new life.

For the past 6 weeks Ella Grace has blossomed. She was overwhelmed by ups and downs but in the constant arms and love of Lauren. She smiled, she laughed, she played, she cried, all in the love of a mother who has inspired me more than I could ever express.

While Ella Grace grew she worked her way into all of our love. She was impossible not to fall for.



This morning, during church I looked into the row behind me where Lauren and Ella Grace sat, immediately my heart sank, there was something very wrong with baby Ella. I grabbed her into my arms and ran into the dining room and lied her on the table, her eyes were rolled back in her head, her hands and feet freezing while the rest of her body burned with fever, the inside of her mouth was pure white. I checked franticly for a pulse… faint. Breathing barely noticeable. While trying not to disturb the service I told Jasmine that we needed a car right away. Within seconds Samaritan’s Purse staff members who were visiting has ushered us into their truck and we raced towards Sans Frontiers.

Arriving in the emergency department was sobering. So much pain. While we sat and cried over this baby that we loved so much every single person around us struggled with the same emotion. Every single person there loved and worried over someone else. Some of them would leave together, healed. Some would leave with empty arms… little did I know that we would soon be among them.

Despite receiving all of the [limited] care that this hospital could offer, sweet Ella Grace passed away at around 2pm.

Her passing was devastating.

Not to diminish the joy of knowing that she is in paradise today, we are heartbroken that means a goodbye for us. Ella Grace was loved as much as human hearts are capable of, she was cherished and held and comforted though her pain and tears.

Because God had a plan for the life of a tiny little Haitian girl and because He chose to bless us through that life, we are all better people. Because God gave us Ella Grace, He used His servant Lauren to teach me lessons about being a mother that I will always remember and always strive for. God taught me that pure love does exist, though the love that I saw Lauren share.



My sweet sister, I am so proud of you! I love you for loving her and showing us all how to love more fiercely. My heart breaks with you and as we spend the next days in tears, prayer and remembering together I hope you know how much I admire your unwavering faith and your dedication to the precious daughter of your heart!

If I Had Only Known

“I didn’t know that I had just received the first injection of a potent and disarmingly seductive drug. I would become dependent on it, an addict to Haiti for the rest of my life.”

-Susan Scott Krabacher – Angels Of A Lower Flight

4 years ago today, I stepped off of an airplane and into the shoes of a person that I never could have imagined being.

4 years ago today, I caught my first whiff of a smell that I can only describe as “Haiti.” 

4 years ago today, the photos that had captured my heart came to life.

4 year ago today, I saw a skeleton of a child drinking from a green, fetid puddle of water on the side of the road in a city called Port Au Prince.

4 years ago today, I saw a man with wild hair and wild eyes, sitting naked and alone in the middle of a busy street.

4 years ago today, I watched the sun set behind a backdrop of mountains and palm trees, awe of the beauty that is this place engulfed me.

4 years ago I entered into a struggle of seeing beauty, despite ugly pain.

4 years ago today, God capture my heart, shattered it into a million pieces and scattered them across this foreign land.

In 4 years everything I thought I knew about life, love, wealth and God has changed. I have learned what heartbreaking sorrow, immeasurable joy and reckless faith look like. I have been on top of the mountain and in the pits of hell on earth. I have had much and I have wanted much. I have laughed until I cried and cried until I had nothing left to cling to but Him. I have met my truest and dearest friends and I have become a Mother.

There is nothing about me that hasn’t changed since that April day in 2008. I wish I could say that I embraced the journey every step of the way but that just isn’t true. Many times I have balked, fought and argued against my calling. Many times I have run away from the things that are just too hard. Many times I have begged God to give this purpose to someone else. But, after every sleepless night the sun has risen again and His promise remains. For every superficial relationship that has faded away with time and distance, His voice has whispered close. For every moment of panic over resources that just weren’t there, a miraculous provision has been sure to follow.

In 4 years God hasn’t used me to “save” Haiti. I haven’t done great and wonderful things for this county, full of so much need. I have done very few even minor things to make this a better place. On paper you wouldn’t see my 4 years amount to much, not for lack of trying but rather because that’s just not why I am here. God’s purpose for capturing my life really has very little to do with what He needs to do through me and a whole lot to do with what He needs to do in me.

If you had told me 4 years ago that I would hold babies during their first moments on earth, and their last… If you had told me that 4 years from then, I would crave this place with everything in me, while always knowing that I am a visitor in this land… If I had known that just 21 months later I would face the hardest and most gut wrenching disaster I could imagine…If you had told me that I would have a brother, a son and a daughter because of this place… If you had told me that I would learn to love God’s plans even when they were the exact opposite of mine… If I had known what lie ahead…. I might have just turned and run away. If I had known, I can imagine I would have been terrified.

Oh, but how much better He knows this weak and human heart. God brought me here as a naive, stupid child because He knew how very easily I could have missed out on all the blessings that He had in store. Blessings in the moment that a first cry is uttered of tiny lungs. The blessing of seeing what lies ahead, in the visions so evident as life prepares to end. I could have missed the joy that a 5 year old little boy has brought into our family and the wonder of a tiny little girl who holds my heart. I could have missed the blessing of being so heartbroken that I could literally feel myself being swept lovingly into my Abba Daddy’s arms. If I had only known I could have missed it all.

There are still days where I stand back in awe over what God has chosen for me, I pray there always will be. This afternoon, as I look around at this tiny room that I now call home and the baby that I call mine, as I look around at the faces of all these other little ones that I have a hand in raising for this season, as I sweat and complain and wish for a break, as I see myself go back and forth, moment by moment between my selfish desires and embracing all He has commanded of me, I realize I am still, just as I was 4 years ago. Somewhere between who I was and who He’s making me.

The Many Faces Of Annabel Kay

This girl is SO animated. Every single day with her is so much fun!

My Sweet Little Valentine

*LOVE HER*

Espwa Berlancia, Meet Operation Love The Children Of Haiti.

THIS NEED HAS BEEN MET! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL WHO DONATED!

For the past several weeks, months even, I have been struggling. Struggling with why Espwa Berlancia wasn’t living up to the dreams that I had for it. Struggling with the fact that, for days on end, no one would come to be tested. Struggling with the fact that I didn’t feel like I was able to use the resources that God, and all of you have richly blessed me with for the good of the Haitian people that I so desperately want to serve. Mostly I have been struggling with the fact that there is a new little girl in my life who I love more than anything else. More than Espwa Berlancia and the dreams that I came to Haiti with.

There is a passion within me to help Haiti as a whole but there is a tiny little Haitian girl who’s well being consumes my every desire. A calling above all, to be this baby’s mommy!

There are things that I am embarrassed to admit right now, judgments that I passed many times before. Who do people think being a parent is SO hard, just “do” it. Put your baby in their bouncy seat and wash the dishes. Stick them on the floor with some toys and answer your emails. And then the single moms, I thought they were the worst complainers… WAKE UP CALL! Annabel likes her bouncy seat in bouts of nearly 10 minuets tops. We don’t have a swing… Tummy time is torture time. Last week I sat next to her in the backseat of the car to keep her entertained during a long ride. Oh, I can’t count how many times I judged other parents for doing that. I guess now I’m a part of the club!
As the realization became more and more clear and my heart began to shift I knew that I needed to truly think about the future and what that means for Espwa Berlacia, what it means for me and what it means for Annabel. It didn’t take me long to realize that something had to change. My passion for putting in 100% of myself into that project was no longer there but my passion for the work that we set out to do is still very much alive. I needed to figure out a plan.
God put many potential paths before me, several that I got excited about. Some of them really got my hopes us. Many of them seemed “perfect”.
I had no idea what do to and so I decided to stop trying and start praying. Through a few broken dreams and some serious disappointments God finally let me to the path that He had planned from the very beginning.
Operation Love The Children Of Haiti is a Creche located just down the street from me. I have loved spending time with them since I moved here and I have developed some wonderful, strong friendships with the ladies who serve there.
Yesterday I had a meeting with Jasmine, the director of OLTCH. We sat down and discussed my fears, I poured out my heart and desire to her and through that conversation God spoke to both of us, He had prepared my heart and my skills to be some of the very things that OLTCH needs at this time. Even more amazingly, Jasmine and I spoke about Espwa Berlancia and our hopes and goals. She expressed that she has also had a passion for HIV in the past. There was no doubt that God had ordained this meeting and this relationship.
Espwa Berlancia will continue. I will stay in Haiti, the place that I love, crave and was created for. I will continue to pour myself into being the very best mother that I can possibly be to my little Bel. All of this will happen because of God and because of His beautiful mission called Operation Love The Children Of Haiti.
On March 15th my lease for this house is up. By that point I will need to be moved out and into my new home. OLTCH has a piece of land where they have constructed temporary shelters. They have offered to build a home for Annabel and I on that land! It will take just a few days to construct but I need to raise the funds to pay for materials needed.
$2,500 is what I need. That will provide Annabel and I with a place of our own to live and work in.
When I move to OLTCH I will be helping primarily with their adoption paperwork as well as doing some fundraising for them. In addition to that Jasmine and I will be working together to figure out how to incorporate Espwa Berlancia into their mission.
I am so incredibly humbled and blessed that God has made so clear to me the path that He has chosen. I am excited to learn my new roles and get to know this amazing group of people and kids.
I hope to see you all join me in this new chapter of growing, learning, loving and being, in Haiti, as long as My God allows.
If you would like to help with the cost of constructing my new home please donating here!

Always Changing

It seems like nothing in this country ever goes as planned. God uses Haiti to grow and change people and sometimes the growing pains hurt.
Please, be in prayer for me over the next few days as I learn where God is leading me, Annabel and Espwa Berlancia.